


counting scars

by revoleotion



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Brendol Hux's A+ Parenting, Canon Divergence, Hurt/Comfort, Hux lives, M/M, Mentioned Character Death, Mitaka lives also, Post TROS, Shared Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25046701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revoleotion/pseuds/revoleotion
Summary: “He never believed in me, it was easy to blame me for every single mistake someone made on his ship,” Mitaka adds when Hux stays silent. The words leave him with a slight stutter, he’s getting anxious again. Not because the situation feels all wrong, not yet, but because it could go wrong.“Oh but I do believe in you,” Hux says and that’s when he finally kisses him.
Relationships: Armitage Hux/Dopheld Mitaka
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	counting scars

Dopheld Mitaka has been scared all his life. It didn’t surprise him when they diagnosed his anxiety, and it also didn’t surprise him that the life in the First Order put him into a state of constant stress. 

Maybe that makes this situation so special. Because in the safety of this cottage, he feels calm. The only source of light is the moon outside. The sky is an odd color between purple and blue, never fully dark. The silhouettes of the fairy lights on the window threw shadows into his face just minutes ago but now they’re a black line in his vision whenever he turns his head. The room is cursed with darkness but the ability to see every bit of it. 

“Mitaka?”

The General’s fingers are cupping his face, he’s looking him straight in the eyes. Mitaka has given up on figuring out what shade of blue he’s looking at, or maybe grey or even green. What matters is that Hux’ fingers are gentle and soft, he’s always been the smart one, no manual labor involved. 

“Yes?” Mitaka asks. 

“Breathe,” Hux whispers. His fingers wander down, over his neck where Mitaka still feels bruises that are months, years, lifetimes old. Hux stops at his shoulders, he grasps them hard enough to make Mitaka believe that he’d fall apart without that touch. 

He doesn’t want to tear up but the entire moment is too calm, too gentle for him to know how to react. He wants to be strong, so badly, for his General, but Hux is so small and so bruised. Mitaka can see every single mark on his chest. The man’s lip is still swollen from where Snoke smashed his face against the floor. No, not really, that injury is long faded. It’s just phantom pain, phantom memory, ghost touches on the man’s perfect face. But the worst damage is from Kylo Ren, it always is. 

Just for Hux, or perhaps for himself too, he takes a deep breath and forces a smile onto his lips. 

“He did that?” Hux asks and carefully traces Mitaka’s throat with his fingertips again. 

He nods. The sensation is nowhere like when Ren embraced his throat and started squeezing. It had taken months for him to feel brave enough to look that man in the eyes. In the small bedroom, with the moon watching over them, it feels like all that happened to another person. 

“It wasn’t that bad,” he says, what a stupid lie and Hux doesn’t seem to take it. The ginger frowns, his blue eyes filling up with that familiar expression of disgust. Or at least Mitaka always read it as disgust. Perhaps Hux doesn’t know what other face to make. 

“He never believed in me, it was easy to blame me for every single mistake someone made on his ship,” Mitaka adds when Hux stays silent. The words leave him with a slight stutter, he’s getting anxious again. Not because the situation feels all wrong, not yet, but because it could go wrong. 

“Oh but I do believe in you,” Hux says and that’s when he finally kisses him. 

Mitaka can’t breathe. It’s the first time, his first time, and it’s something he has never allowed himself to think about. Years of being sidelined, of watching the Starkiller Base triumvirate. Armitage Hux, Phasma, Kylo Ren, the group he could never dare to join. Endless hours of staring at Phasma, of respecting her, then crushing on her, then taking a step back after her polite but unmistakable, “No”. It didn’t take him long to realize that the way he looked at General Hux was something _rebellious_ , something unapologetic and something that didn’t bother to fit in. It was the first time Mitaka had come to terms with his queerness, when he looked at the man that always seemed to find a way to get back up, no matter how many blows his ship took. 

Always waving through a window from the outside. 

And then Starkiller exploded. Ren turned away from them. Phasma died - and for the first time, Hux did not get up. 

It felt like he was sitting on the ground, humiliated yet still alive. Always planning, always scheming, or at least Mitaka had hoped that because if Hux had given up, this meant Mitaka had nothing, nobody to believe in. Hux took everything in, he swallowed the pain, the comments, the “perhaps I should consider using a clone army”, the “I sense unease about my appearance”.

Pryde happened. The Final Order happened. Mitaka can only guess when something inside Hux snapped. 

The hole in his chest. The blood, why was there blood, it had been a blaster shot, why was there that much blood, Mitaka carrying him away, placing his body in that escape pod, whispering words he’d never forget because they haunt him until he can’t recognize his own voice anymore: _Survive this, survive this, survive this_. 

“Is everything alright?”

The sensation on Mitaka’s lips has disappeared, he feels strangely empty without it. Like the aftertaste is stronger than the moment itself. 

“I’ve never done this,” Mitaka says. 

Hux eyes grow wide. He makes a small sound, something between a curse and an injured kitten. 

“Is this okay?” he asks because this is when he asks, this is where Ren just took and pretended like it was his birthright. 

“Yes. Please. Do that again.”

Hux follows that order, with the same gentleness to it. The kiss is over in a heartbeat but when Hux leans back, Mitaka acts on something he has wanted to do ages, lifetimes ago. He first kisses Hux’ neck, where ghost bruises of Ren have found their graveyard, Hux’ shoulders that crashed against the ship walls one too many times. Hux leans back when Mitaka reaches his chest, carefully, not too close to the spot Pryde shot at. 

Hux smiles a little, the smug signature smile, whispers, “Do you want to continue with that?”.

Mitaka nods. Nothing prepared him for this but he doesn’t need preparation. Handbooks would ruin this. His instincts take over, not really instincts, a feeling that is both forbidden and liberating. 

“But that’s not Ren anymore,” Hux informs him, then he turns around. It’s a little awkward to see him shuffle on the bed but he finds a position he’s comfortable in. Mitaka wants to be prepared but he never is, especially not for this. 

“Who did this?” he hears himself ask. Stupid question, it’s no secret that Hux went insane and killed his father. His well-known, famous, Stormtrooper Programm inventing father. It has never occured to Mitaka that a word from Kylo Ren’s mouth could be a dangerous one. Especially in this case because there are more scars than Mitaka wants to count. 

But he kisses them, all of them, while Hux starts shaking with tears Mitaka isn’t ready to see yet. 

“He doesn’t deserve this,” he says. “None of them. You’re alive.”

“I’m alive,” Hux repeats and turns around again. 

Mitaka’s lips find his without difficulty. He kisses him, tastes salty tears and realizes that he’s crying too. When has that started? Has he been crying the entire time? 

“You’re alive,” Hux tells him. “You saved me.”

“You’re my General.”

“I betrayed the First Order.”

“If I had known, I would’ve joined you.”

That’s not a lie. Phasma would’ve done that too. There’s something about Hux that makes you want to risk it all. And Mitaka is so glad he did. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is for Aneleise who already read it last night but STILL. Hi.


End file.
